I went out last night. It was nice. Went for a meal with some friends. Now two of the friends, A and R, have been a couple since approximately the beginning of the reign of the Stuarts. But whenever we get together they bring along a friend of R's called S. S is female, single, has been for a very long time and has a nice personality that makes her very attractive. Sometimes she gets a little flirty with me and we might even have the occasional cuddle - but that is as far as it has gone... FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.
I did wonder for a while if S was a lesbian. She is a bit tomboyish, wears trousers a lot, not really into make up and girly things. But at a "do" back in January when she was there she told me she liked the look of one of the men there that evening - of course it wasn't me, you tit. No it was some smooth, thin, total cunt who has never probably had to try in his entire fucking life. I left early that evening, not because I was in a strop, but I had an appointment somewhere else.
As for last night, we chatted and laughed all evening, we even had a tiny bit of a cuddle when we went to look at the dinner menu on the wall in the pub - it was nice. So the evening finishes, we all wander out to the car park. I shake A by the hand and say goodnight - I get a kiss and a goodbye hug from R, then from S? A kiss on the cheek, a quick hug and she very obviously pulls herself forcibly away from me as I pathetically hold out for a bit more. Well that makes it fucking clear doesn't it. So I now officially cannot even pull a androgynous, trousers wearing probable dyke who's been single since the Crimean War.
This is a down. This is a big, big down. I am getting tired of life. Is it wrong to think longingly of death? I'm not there yet, but after last night I am a small step closer.
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