Rose tinted spectacles are curious things. They can put all sorts of gloss on the most odd things. My wife walked out and left me in 2008, after about two years of her frigidity and, to be honest, some stupidity on my behalf. But, before you ask, I was always faithful. We are still friends and I get to see her very often when I go and visit her and my darling son - they live nearly 200 miles away from me now, but I am lucky that my work brings me close to them on a fairly regular basis. I have been with them for this past week and it has as ever, been a delight to be with my young son. I love him so much. But if I ever needed a reminder of my wife's barking mad behaviour, then this week has been a perfect example. Everything I am going to list is exactly what it was like living with her when we were together, but is what she is like still, so if I do mess up my past and present tenses, then please be gentle with me.
- She is always tired. As soon as she comes home from work, or shopping, or anywhere you know within a few minutes the "God, I'm tired" announcement is coming. Usually followed by a fairly unflattering unladylike jaw-dislocating yawn. She sleeps all hours, snores like a traction engine with a shagged drive shaft, and when we were together was frequently in bed and unconscious by 8pm.
- Is constantly either playing on her i-phone or i-pod. She will ignore everyone when this is in place - my son, the cat, me... everyone. When we were together you'd get into bed at the end of the day, one of those occasional evenings when she would manage to stay awake for longer than 8pm, but as soon as we were in bed, her back would be turned to me, headphones on, game in hand. She has been like this all this week. Not at any time have we done anything together as a family really. As soon as she is in the room out comes the I-phone/pod and fuck everyone else.
- Personal hygiene, or complete lack of it. She has a bath most days, but seems to avoid any form of body deodorant or anti-perspirant. Never ever seems to brush her teeth. You can sometimes smell her breath from across the room. Not nice.
- Has to have some sort of crisis going on all the time to keep her happy. Her auntie died recently - she fucking loved that. Great chance to get some really serious amounts of wallowing in family grief in. Another Aunt of hers is currently on her last knockings, so she'll probably play this for all it's worth as well. Our son has mild learning difficulties, but the way she goes on about him you'd think he was just a single eyeball floating in a jar or formaldehyde. He is doing great, but yet the great ex-Missus has to constantly find more and more labels and problems to pin on him. Let him be.
- Religious crutch. It used to be Paganism. She really really got into paganism when we were married. Fuck we even had a pagan wedding ritual - a hand fasting, which was cool. But that has now been kicked into touch as she is now sliding inexorably towards being a fucking Catholic. She goes to church every Sunday now, is out again tonight at the church, regularly wanders round clutching a bible to her bosom and is slowly going out of her fucking mind.
- Stupid ideas/hobbies. She has started so many courses, hobbies etc., and never sees them through to the end. She loses interest after just a few weeks, or even days in some instances. There have been health fads, diet fads, art fads, writing fads - you never know, all this Catholic bollocks could just turn out to be another fad. But she is now doing it with my son. Karate, dance, football, drama, music - all clubs he has joined that I have paid for and that within a few weeks have been abandoned due to some crappy excuse or another.
- Turns music on in a room - loudly, stays there for a few seconds, then goes off to another part of the house leaving the music blaring away in the corner. If you're leaving, just turn the fucking thing off, please! And lights. And TV's. And computers. And DVD players. And just about anything that is going to cost you money in electricity bills - or me, as I usually end up paying.
- Wasting money. Constantly pleads poverty and borrows money off me left right and centre, yet constantly has things being delivered from catalogues, Amazon, Ebay etc. DVD's, CD's, books, furniture - you name it. Is now banging on about how she wants and I-pad or a Kindle reader. She wants locking up. What is wrong with reading a fucking book?
Oh there is probably loads more, but I just had to get this off my chest this evening. It has been sitting with me like a cancer, growing stronger and eating away at me. Drop me a line - anyone, even one of those mad bastards in Burkina Faso trying to get me to look after their $34,000,000 that their late husband stashed away. rob.gillan@yahoo.co.uk
