Not posted in a long while. Not because life is any better or I have found the woman of my dreams. Ha! Fat chance of that happening. But thought I had better add something to the blog just in case someone somewhere is reading it. So I have been thinking back to all my old romantic failures and I have been pretty impressed by some of the excuses women have come up with not to carry on having a relationship with me, and I have selected my own personal top 5. Hope you enjoy these. So in no particular order, we begin with:
- I was dating a very lovely lady called Caroline when I used to live in London, many centuries ago it seems now. She was everything I had ever wanted in a woman, two legs and a pulse, you know. All joking aside she was gorgeous. Small, brunette, pale skin, beautiful brown eyes, and bright and feisty with it. I was in awe of her. Naturally it didn't last, and her excuse for dumping me was: "I am not being fair to you, you are putting everything into this relationship and I'm not. So to save you from hurt, I think we should just be friends." Ouch.
- I had a brief dalliance with a friend of mine's younger sister. She was called Anne and she was fun! Cute as a button, eccentric, smart and very attractive in an elfin kind of way. I thought I had really hit the jackpot on this one. Then I got my birthday card from her - something of a kick in the cobblers really. "Have a happy birthday, but sorry to say this, I really don't want a relationship with anyone at the moment - so it's not you, but I am afraid it is over between us. Sorry!" How I laughed as I blew out the candles on my cake. How I nearly choked on the cake when two weeks later she shacked up with some new bloke. Funny old world, innit?
- At my sister's wedding in 1991 I met a lovely lady called Rebecca. Her previous relationship had been with a complete wanker of a man who treated her like shit, so the poor lovely lady was quite fragile when I met her. But I was at my gallant best. I did my best to be charming, polite, always taking her out to dinner and insisting on picking her up and driving her wherever she wanted to go. And she said: "I can't possibly have a relationship with you, you're far too nice." Dammit! I just knew I should have punched her on the nose on our first date.
- Another wonderful lady, called Emily. Beautiful, sweet, cute as a button. I adored her so much. However, the feeling apparently was not reciprocated as I was "Too safe. You're just like a brother to me." What a pain in the arse it is to be too safe.
- Not even made it to a relationship with this one. I went to a party in Gravesend in Kent (well, someone has to) and whilst at the party I met this really fabulous lady called Lindy. She had bubbly hair, and a bubbly personality, cute little body and was lots of fun. We had a really wild time at the party, dancing together all night and having a truly memorable evening. She told me she hated meeting men at parties as "you always give them your telephone number but they never call you back." At the end of the evening, while I was slowly being dragged away from her I asked her for her number. She told me I'd never call. I beseeched her, I implored to her, I assured her - I would most definitely call her! I would, I would! So she wrote her number down, put the words "call me" next to it, and a kiss. Ah! What could possibly go wrong. I called her. Would she like to meet up and go for a drink sometime? "With you? You must be joking." And she hung up. Great.
So there you have it. The awful top five. If anyone does read this crap and wants to share fob offs, then please email me at rob.gillan@yahoo.co.uk and let's compare notes.
